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[Saturday
October 24th, 2009
10:59pm] |
so. i'm grounded for like..ever. and i'm not allowed to see john or any of the other people i was hanging around with. i was in a bad way. a rough spot i guess. silly drugs.
now i'm so fucking bored. i'm going to wisconsin at the beginning of november, seems like forever away. i don't miss the person i became but i miss the feeling so much. thats why they call it addiction.
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[Monday
October 12th, 2009
10:18pm] |
if you crave it then you know that you are injured...
today was a day i didn't expect to actually happen. didn't leave marks like i thought, or feel like i thought. i have no one to really talk to about this right now. i'm developing a problem. i need to take a break but with john we wind up doing it like every day and i can't say no when its right there. makes me feel so perfect. fuck.
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[Wednesday
August 26th, 2009
10:54am] |
I GOT MY LICENSE!!!
fifth times the charm.
i'm so fucking excited!
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[Tuesday
June 2nd, 2009
5:44pm] |
so still nobody knows whats wrong with me. but i'm chill with it now.
and after months of being a hermit i'm suddenly chilling with john again and i might like coke too much for my poorer than usual family. it like calms my brain down and stops all the shit thoughts. as i've only been doing it for like..three days and a total of 3.5 grams split between two people i wouldn't consider it a problem. but if i had the money, it fully would be. maybe those weird therapist tests were right and i have a fucking substance abuse problem because i would rather be high than miserable.
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[Sunday
April 26th, 2009
8:44am] |
oi. i've been sick forever. i had to quit smoking as my lungs are shit. oh well.
i want to go out but i've become terrified of germs. my immune system is like gone and i don't want to catch everything.
i hate that all i have to write about is shit medical things, it's become my life. i want something different but don't know how to get there.
i miss everyone.
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[Tuesday
December 16th, 2008
6:58pm] |
i kinda have a brain tumor. it's wicked small on the pituitary but yeahhh. ring in 09 with some fucking brain surgery.
i'm not that upset about it. don't know why.
oh well.
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[Monday
September 29th, 2008
8:12pm] |
so my surgery is tomorrow. of course i'm scared. but i have to so, yeah.
if anyone wants to visit me i'll be at milford regonal.
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[Friday
September 19th, 2008
8:32am] |
turns out the tumor is about the size of a plum and i'm going to need actual surgery. stay in the hospital a couple of days, probably be able to drive again about two weeks after.
my semester is pretty much blown.
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[Wednesday
September 17th, 2008
1:10am] |
i found out today i have a dermoid tumor on my left overy. there's only a 2% chance it's malignant, which i guess is good. i have to call a gyno tomorrow and get an appointment for this week and then have surgery and have it removed.
i'm fucking terrified. i have no idea what to think. i'm just praying i don't fucking have cancer or some shit. my stomach just hurt like a bitch so i had the ct scan and i find out my overy is fucked?! they're apparently rather rare and the usual age to get them is like 30 so i'm all off. i just don't know how to feel. i guess i'll know more once it's out.
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[Friday
September 5th, 2008
12:09am] |
i've officially gone to college. i've gone to both my classes. i'm a fucking college student. how odd is that?
i have a car but not a license. getting it next week i suppose. wutevz. just need to get my books so i can do my homework.
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[Wednesday
July 9th, 2008
4:52pm] |
i miss everything.
i need to build another life. i just don't know where to start.
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[Monday
July 7th, 2008
11:44am] |
fucking hell. i'm rather manic, not to the point of insanity but to the point where sleep isn't that needed and i just want to have fun with people, AND THERES NOBODY AROUND. i haven't felt this happy in a long ass time and i haven't been good company either, and now that it's here there's nothing to do. i'm stuck in the house like usual and i'm going to lose this. i skipped my meds this morning hoping that dropping my levels will keep my mood up. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
i had a really awesome weekend though. went up to salisbury with my cousin and his friends, my mother away seeing billy joel, and slept over and had great times. first time in a long time i got to hang out with a bunch of intelligent people and get fucked up and have FUN. craziest shit went down. then i saw a movie about hunter s. thompson which was fucking awesome and made me want to go read all his books backtoback like.
now i'm stuck sitting on my balcony wishing i had better friends. wishing i was a better friend so i could have those better friends. i'm sick of the only person around being my own mother. i need a fucking shitload of money so i can just go to the mall and buy everything and make myself believe i had a fun fucking day.
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[Tuesday
May 27th, 2008
8:31pm] |
aunt trish has gotten much fucking worse. all sorts of bacteria in her blood and she has no white cells. she's so sick.
and i have no meds so i'm all fucked up too. and my mother's going insane again. and i have no one to distract me.
08 fucking sucks.
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[Sunday
May 18th, 2008
7:26pm] |
i'm fading. i have about zero actual friends. my home life is spiraling downwards even more and i don't have the escapes i used to. music doesn't seem to cut it. self-injury is barely a blip. i don't have any drugs available anymore and booze just makes me sick. i need to go out. i need to make friends. i don't know where to go and i can barely say hello to people i don't know.
i don't fucking know what to do anymore. i can't even get a fucking therapist to spend time with me.
maybe i'll make pathetic calls to people who don't really want to hear from me.
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[Saturday
March 29th, 2008
8:58pm] |
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why does it still hurt?
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[Thursday
March 27th, 2008
2:34pm] |
GOT MY FUCKING PERMIT BACK
fuck yeah
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[Wednesday
March 26th, 2008
8:48pm] |
i look pregnant. i'm not though.
i don't want a baby but i rather wish i was so i wouldn't feel so bad about being so fucking fat.
i'm fucked in the head.
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[Friday
March 21st, 2008
1:24pm] |
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went to the mental hospital again for four days.
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[Sunday
March 2nd, 2008
12:06am] |
i have just had one of the worst februarys ever.
my mother has been very sick, in and out of the hospital, and nobody knows what is actually wrong with her.
and my aunt trish, the person in the world most like myself who i love so much, has cancer. which she's apparently had for quite a while but her doctors wouldn't listen to her. and since my mothers sick and i'm not entirely healthy i can't even fucking visit her.
and because my aunts diagnosis my mother has gone completely insane and i have to take care of her.
and nobody fucking cares. i have no friends to lean on because i've alienated all of them with my isolationism from my insanity.
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[Saturday
February 23rd, 2008
10:34am] |
i just found out my favorite aunt has leukemia.
what. the. fuck.
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